The Great Truths of
The Frank M. Chapman, Jr.
Memorial Philosophical Society

"If you can't be right, at least be funny..."

-- F. M Chapman, Jr., explaining FLAP to the board of directors at Exxon Co., USA, following a small guyed tower mishap in the Gulf of Mexico, a wholy owned subsidiary of the Frank M. Chapman Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"When you smoke cigarettes you're likely to burn yourself to death; with chewing tobacco the worst thing you can do is drown a midget."

-- Brian R. James, languidly eulogizing the founder and leader of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society, who drifted away suddenly in a drowning mishap.

"It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are writing documentation."

-- Jerome K. Jerome, "Taking Advantage of Your Stupid Name and Your Stupid Friends", at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society, Circus Division.

"Westerners consciously admit to being mortal but spend most of their subconscious lives denying it."

-- Elisha, speaking for fun and prophet at the Annual Barbeque and Slipped-Disc Luncheon of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee much later than others."

-- From an in-depth study of the membership of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Anybody who hates dogs and loves whiskey can't be all bad."

-- Douglas M. King, speaking to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society's Fire-Fighting Auxiliary on the topic of "How to Feed the Bird and the Dogs after Fifteen Cigars, Two Bottles, and Other Miscellaneous Items, Without Losing Your Balance or Your Lunch."

"It is a sad woman who buys her own perfume."

-- Mary Kay, commenting on OTC cosmetics, a crusade funded by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society and Amoral Few.

"The flush toilet is the basis of western civilization."

-- Dr. Louis S. B. Leakey, pontificating from Olduvai Gorge, an archaeological and philosophical dig, jointly sponsored by the National Geographic Society and the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants."

-- Platform Plank of the Know-Nothing Party; at their party convention held at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society's Convention Center and Pool Hall.

"A gold ring in a pig's snout is like a beautiful woman without good sense."

-- Jedidiah Maybe, Wisdom Lectures of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society, 500 B.C.E.

"No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it you'll see why."

-- F. Mignon McLaughlin, pleading with his mother for money to pay his dues for the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"A hen is an egg's way of producing another egg."

-- Samuel Butler, mumbling at the Scrambled Hen Cook-off of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"A dog is man's best friend because the average dog is a nicer person than the average person."

-- Andy Rooney, while interviewing for a managerial position at Brown & Root, Inc., after eating breakfast at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Skepticism is not irrefutable, but obviously nonsensical, when it tries to raise doubts where no questions can be asked. For doubt can only exist where a question exists, a question only where an answer exists, and an answer only where something can be said."

-- Harpo Marx, during a presentation to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society entitled "How to Hypnotize Single Women to do Your Bidding".

"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."

-- Oscar Wilde, speaking on "Philosophical Reductionism: The Inviolable Great Truths", to the Humans' Auxiliary of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"When all is said and done, a lot more is said than done."

-- F. M. Chapman, Jr., Overheard in a telephone conversation with the Board of Directors of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society And Debating Club.

"Few people think more than two or three times a year. I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week."

-- Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada, Charter Member of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Every child born in America can hope to grow up to enjoy tax loopholes."

-- From a rare but exquisite flyer dropped on Nazi Germany for propaganda purposes by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"A husband is a man who can do anything that he wants to do as long as his wife does not object."

-- G. B. Shaw, speaking at a symposium on Marriage for the Individual held at the Frank M. Chapman Memorial Philosophical Society while his wife was on vacation at Neiman-Marcus.

"Women are just like elephants to me; i like to look at them, but i wouldn't want one."

-- Will Partain, waxing eloquent (lest he wax dull) at an inebriated meeting of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"You cannot learn anything if you assume you already know about it."

-- Epictetus, overheard in a seance held at the Parapsychology Division, Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Never get too personally involved in your own life."

-- Peggy Odam, while slumbering at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society'S Annual Gala Slumber Party Jamboree.

"No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public."

-- Overheard at the premiere of 'The Urban Programmer', an X-rated movie covertly funded by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"You can always get someone to love you, even if you have to do it yourself."

-- An ancient creed of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"The best government is a benevolent tyranny tempered by an occasional assassination."

-- Jimmy Carter, delivering the Every-day-is-a-new-bowl-of- Fruit-Loops Lecture, 1980, to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' until you can find a rock."

-- Perry Como, singing at a masquerade brunch of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Conservative, n.: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wishes to replace them with others."

-- Ambrose Bierce, on permanent drugs at a Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society ping-pong party.

"The chief problem about death...is the fear that there may be no afterlife, a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. I do not believe in an afterlife, although i am bringing a change of underwear."

-- Guru Woody, while meditating behind Outhouse #3 of a secluded mountain retreat owned and operated by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying."

-- Overheard from seat M26, Day 251 of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society'S Irregular Film Festival.

"A husband is what is left of a man after the nerve has been extracted."

-- From a Benjamin Franklin Press publication, "Poor Helen's on My Back", funded and surreptitiously inspired by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead."

-- From a bestseller, "I Got Groovy Oriental Truths", brought to you by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups."

-- An inutterably Great Truth, from File 13 of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"What's your hurry? We didn't even get here until ten minutes from now!"

-- Overheard in the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society lunchroom following the seminar "Future Shock and the Latent Programmer."

"Many a bad marriage has been saved by a good hanging."

-- A Generic Great Truth (G**2*T), from the rafters of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society Necktie Club.

"You should wake up once a day, even if only so you can go to sleep at least once a day."

-- Roscoe

"A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking."

-- Anne "Now-That's-a-Great-Truth!" Weber, exclaiming before the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"If frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their rumps every time they jump."

-- Hugh Bard, from the lecture "The Potential of the Universe: a Practical Exposition.", delivered to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

-- Woody Allen, on the occasion of his inaugaration al Lesser Guru of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society, 1951.

"Old men should be explorers."

-- F. M. C., Jr., upon departing for darkest Bophuthatswana, in order to find the fabled William D. Partain, a quest funded by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society, Wog Division.

"We in the West labor under a number of delusions, one of which is that life makes sense; i. e. that we are sane. We persist in this view despite massive evidence to the contrary."

-- Edward Hall, from "Proceedings of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society."

"The rat race is over. The rats won."

-- The Oh!-For-Another-Day-in-Vegas Creed, line 94; the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange."

-- Jerry Brown Ronstadt, who regularly confuses the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society with his mother.

"If laxatives are among the most misused of drugs by this administration, why are so many people full of . . .?"

-- Overheard at a symposium on Over-the-Counter Drug Abuse in the Government held by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society and Misinformation Clinic.

"The most popular labor-saving device is still a husband with money."

-- An off-the-record remark by a member of a N.O.W. hit squad, after storming the headquarters of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"The term 'love' is a philosophical justification for lust."

-- Secretariat, in the Invited Equus Ex Mechina Lecture at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"A clergyman is someone who talks in somebody else's sleep."

-- Rudolf the Red-Nosed Bultmann, who demythologized the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society one afternoon after a game of croquet.

"If happiness truly consisted in physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, i think, an American cow."

-- Divine Bovine Truth No. 84Q, as recorded by a pasture anthropologist of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"What history teaches us is that men have never learned anything from it."

-- Georg the Duck-Billed, also called Hegel the Inutterable, pleading before the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society, trying to talk himself out of a speeding ticket, thereby confusing his audience.

"Love is just sex misspelled."

-- Ralph Nader, Consumer Advocate Against Emotions, while speaking to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"The superego is that part of the personality which is soluble in alcohol."

-- The party platform of the Zimbabwe African National Union, whose leaders have not paid their dues to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"It is easy to be tolerant of the principles of others if you have none of your own."

-- "Principles of System/370 Operation", p. 376, recently revised and republished somnambulistically by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it."

-- The Golden Egg Speaks, a Mysterious Experience at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society Discotheque.

"Do not take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive."

-- St. Hereticus, founder of Our Lady of Heisenberg's Uncertain Principles Monastery and patron saint of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Things are not what they seem!"

-- Frank M. Chapman, Jr., uttering the Final Great Truth of the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"Tunafish is tuna fish."

-- Terri Brosset, extolling the virtues of a seafood diet at the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society's lunchroom and aquatic saloon.

"I have been poor and i have been rich. Rich is better."

-- R. Reagan, just before signing his fabled tax cut bill, as uncovered by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.

"We never had to worry about overcrowding in our prisons."

-- Mme. Lafarge, overheard at a cocktail party given at a conference on penology held by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society honoring Justice Justice.

"We could raise productivity if someone could just determine a realistic measure of it."

-- J. K. Galbraith, speaking on "Economics for the Economical", a pentannual symposium hosted by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society's Business School and Closet Cobol Club.

"It is possible to give your money away and become richer. It is also possible to hold onto it too tightly and lose everything. Yes, the liberal man shall be rich; by helping others he helps himself."

-- Solomon, exhorting David Stockman at a roast given in Stockman's honor by the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society and Middle-Aged Democratic Club. cf. Proverbs 11:24-5.

"Few senior citizens wish to graduate."

-- R. Reagan, wishing to justify cuts in financial aid to students over the age of 19, as told to the Frank M. Chapman, Jr. Memorial Philosophical Society.